Portfolio/Multi-Topic Baconfry's Compilation of Utterly Ridiculous Suggestions

Feedback?

  • Awesome.

    Votes: 71 67.6%

  • Ridiculous.

    Votes: 72 68.6%

  • Genius.

    Votes: 71 67.6%

  • Idiotic.

    Votes: 43 41.0%

  • Oh god, I think some of these might even be added

    Votes: 75 71.4%
  • Total voters
    105
Baconfry

Baconfry

Terrarian
Well, the title says it all.

The Emperor's New Shirt

Naughty Book
Sometimes found in the Dungeon on shelves.
Using it will inflict Bleeding on you for 5 seconds, but the blood is shown streaming from your nose.

I imagine the Clothier was rather bored down there.

Peanut
Provides Well-fed for 1 minute.
Upon character creation, there is a random chance that your character will be allergic and eating a Peanut will always inflict Suffocation for 1 minute instead. The Nurse will warn you if you have a Peanut selected when talking to her.

Loaded Baked Potato
A throwable weapon. Usually just splatters into spud chunks against enemies. Sometimes explodes violently.
Or we could add this as an early-game gun.

Yellow Snow
Randomly spawns in surface Snow biome. Can be eaten. Does nothing else.

Amazing Flying Machine
Crafted: 100 Birds, 1 Bathtub, 200 Rope
A mount that barely gets off the ground and moves at a snail's pace. Just imagine what it looks like. Oh, and you steer by shooting seeds with a Blowpipe, because birds love seeds. This gets the unflattering title of Worst Mount in the Game!

Pufferfish
Caught by fishing.
Works like Beach Ball, but randomly inflicts Venom on things that touch it. That's what you get for playing beach volleyball with a pufferfish.

Tapeworm
15% bait power
Randomly spawned when healing at the Nurse.

Cactus Toilet

Primitive Phone
Throwing weapon that has a 100% chance of dropping as an item when it hits an enemy or wall. You've all heard the fables.

Thriller Potion
Swaps the animations for leftward and rightward movement, making it look like the user is moonwalking all the time.

The Tongue
Grappling hook dropped by the Wall of Flesh. Single-hook, and shoots out of the user's mouth. Very disturbing.

Monster Suit and Monster Dress:
Crafted from Flesh Blocks. "Monster" refers to Lady Gaga, who is of course the inspiration behind these due to her being demented enough to wear those.
images
Fried Chicken
Sold by the Traveling Merchant, and gives Well-Fed for 15 minutes. I know, meh. But...

Fried Chicken Wings
Crafted with Fried Chicken and 20 Souls of Flight at a Mythril Anvil. Allows flight.

Hammer Pants
Equipable
60% hammer power
"You can't touch this."

Gravity Ray
A piercing ray that deals 1 damage and reverses gravity for affected targets. Imagine shooting a column of Pirates and watching as they fly into the wild blue yonder. Obviously bosses won't care, but...

Pink Water Fountain
Sold by the Witch Doctor
Pink rain pours like waterfalls.

Bleeding debuff should do damage if you're in water in the Ocean biome.

One of the top two blocks on a naturally-spawned Pyramid will drop a Suspicious Looking Eye when mined. @The Illuminati

You can (still) expect more.
 
Last edited:
ACT I:

Varler set out, donning The Emperor's New Shirt as a pleasantly cool gust blew through his magnificent flowing locks of hair. Far below him, a lush, green field bisected by a sparkling river was dwarfed by the beautiful expanse of the sunset-painted sky. He reached into his pouch and produced an ample handful of seeds. In a great swinging motion, Varler cast the seeds in a great arc into the open air. A happily chirping flock of leashed birds overhead swooped out and plucked the seeds midair; their tugging caused a slight jerk forward in his Amazing Flying Machine.

Beneath him, the landscape suddenly transformed. Green grass gave way to a white winter. Amazingly, the pleasant breeze quickly transformed into a bone-chilling whirlwind. A single snowflake fell onto Varler's neck and sent a brittle shiver down his spine. Fearing for the warmth and safety of his loyal bird flock, Varler ordered them to land at a nearby cave with a flick of his wrist and a cloud of seeds. In a panicked swoosh of feathers, the flying machine jolted down at the entrance of the cave. Another frigid gust reminded Varler of his task at hand. He needed food and warmth.

Devoid of heat (his shirt seemed to do nothing to alleviate the cold), Varler set up a basic campfire for himself and his birds, and grabbed his best potato from his backpack. In a flurry of bacon, sour cream, cheese, green onions, and an excessive amount of spices, he whipped up one of the finest products of culinary arts known today: the Loaded Baked Potato.

An orgasm of flavor washed over his tastebuds as he took the first bite. "This must be what they call food porn," he thought to himself. Reminded of the word, he decided to pull out his favorite treasure, the Naughty Book. Some things happened, but after a while thirst made itself present. How could he have forgotten? Finding a safe source of water is critical to enduring this blizzard. He peeked outside the mouth of the cave to be greeted by a forceful blast of cold air. He pulled his head back inside. There was no straying far from the safety of the cave.

After some pondering, Varler glanced at the snow surrounding the mouth of the cave. He made note of a prominent yellow discoloration. Seven thirsty hours passed. Finally, with a single tear making its way halfway down his cheek and freezing in place, he brought the yellow snow to his lips.

His taste buds died.

Clawing at his defiled tongue, Varler scrounged for something to relieve the taste in his mouth. He quickly grabbed something from his food pouch and shoved it in his mouth, and ate it in one gulp. A tingly sensation developed on the roof of his mouth. "Oh... No..." he thought. Of all the things he could have eaten, he had eaten the single peanut he kept for his favorite bird.

Varler is allergic to peanuts.

He stared silently at his wonderful flock of birds, cooing in their sleep. He glanced longingly at the Naughty Book. He cradled his half-eaten Loaded Baked Potato in his hands, savoring one last bite of bliss. Then, an overwhelming pressure clamped onto his throat. Breath was a rendered a mere memory. As the darkness closed in, and the coldness invaded, his last thoughts were: "At least I fried bacon."

ACT II:

Varler felt a strong aura rising from within himself. Various curses condemning the peanut echoed throughout his head. He was still alive. Suddenly, the clamping pressure violently released its grip on his throat like air in an airlock. Without warning, his tongue shot out of his throat and burrowed itself into the ceiling of the cave. Apparently it didn't like the taste of urine and peanuts simultaneously. Varler accelerated upward so fast that his Hammer Pants flew off and fluttered to the ground, into the campfire he set up, subsequently catching flame. "No touching those," he thought.

But then he realized that he left his phone in his pocket. Panicked, he retracted his now quite disturbing tongue, and fell to the cave floor with a thud. He fished out what was left of his Hammer Pants with a nearby stick. In the pocket of the crispy pants, he found a blackened hunk of metal. He turned it on. Of course it still worked; it was a friggin Nokia. Using the power of Nokia, Varler threw it repeatedly at the campfire to put it out and save the remnants of his pants.

He held the flayed fabric to his face. Not only did it have burn holes coating its surface, but one entire pant leg had turned to ash. It was unacceptable, and unwearable. As if answering his thoughts, a chilly gust from the snowstorm outside blew directly into the cave. His shirt must have disappeared in the fray. Now without a campfire or clothes, he began shivering, and now he had no pants. He had only one option.

He reached in his food pouch and produced several dozen steaks and strips of bacon. Begrudgingly, he slabbed them onto his body in a futile attempt to warm himself. A meat dress. A total waste of gustatory heaven. Fantabulous. However, the meat dress functioned quite well as a heating device. It was essentially an extra layer of blubber. Even devoid of a campfire, Varler managed to fall asleep.

He woke up the next morning to the sound of a tiny drip. As he slowly opened his eyes, a tiny droplet of water fell from the ceiling and landed by his feet. Engulfed by the deafening silence of the cave, he noticed a distinct lack of chirping. He glanced around, and saw that the cage for his birds had opened, and not one of the birds remained. Sullenly, he climbed out to the entrance of his cave to see it coated with water. He stared into the distance in awe. The entire snowy landscape had melted, and had been replaced by large puddles. Waterfalls of frigid water poured down the mountainside, and in the distinct hue of the morning sun, they even appeared slightly pink.

Now completely alone and lacking transportation, Varler gathered his belongings and set out into the wet world in front of him. He climbed down the slippery mouth of his cave and squelched down on the muddy grass at his feet. Before him lay a marshland, teeming with life seemingly absent the night before.

He began wandering. Dragonflies and small frogs greeted him at every turn. Tall grass blocked his view of anything further than five feet away. But then he heard a noise resembling a rustling of feathers. "Maybe it could be one of my birds!" he thought.

Varler pried the tall grass apart to reveal an extraordinarily large chicken. The thing must have been at least three feet tall. It was a monster of a chicken. Thus, it was food. He took out his gravity ray, and zapped the chicken. It let out a deafening cluck as it began to fall swiftly upward. Then, after a few seconds, he took precise aim, and zapped it again. The chicken slowed its ascent, and began falling rapidly. The poor innocent chicken smashed into the ground, right in front of the horrifyingly violent Varler. He inspected the remains of the chicken. Surprisingly, it was mostly intact. He plucked off the feathers, and put the new addition to his family of protein in his food pouch.

Varler gathered the driest wood he could find and made another campfire in his lonely cave to cook the chicken. Even starting the fire was extremely difficult due to the dampness in the air, but he somehow managed. Enjoying the savory aroma of the frying chicken, Varler suddenly realized that he would need to escape the wilderness and return to his home soon or he would find survival difficult. In a flash if ingenuity, he quickly pulled the chicken's wings out from the fire and flapped them in a state of hysteria. Slowly but surely, the chicken wings propelled him up into the air. Unfortunately, he could only last a short amount of time in the air before he got tired. So he sat for a while, thinking of methods he could use to take him home.

Epilogue

In the distance on the horizon, the demented outline of a humanoid flailed about wildly. It appeared to have inconvenient, scraggly wings, slashing rapidly and sporadically through the air to produce a tiny amount of lift. Its body was mutated and fleshy, and appeared to lack skin. Both feathers and what appeared to be meat juices dripped from the figure. This strange creature then plummeted, as if giving up flight. But then a strange cord shot out of what appeared to be its head, and grappled itself to a nearby tree. The creature was hurtled toward the tree at an insane speed, and the scraggly wings generated enough lift for the thing to start flying again.

Baconfry watched this creature from the porch of his house. As it got closer, he began to hear a loud shouting noise from the creature. He listened more closely, and realized it was calling his name. He ran inside and grabbed his gun, and hid behind the pillar on his porch. Whatever this creature was, it knew who he was and it probably meant harm.

The creature continued its strange pattern of shooting out its cord, getting painfully dragged by its head to the target, and flapping its pathetic wings tumultuously to gain altitude. It continued to get closer and closer, calling Baconfry's name. It got louder and louder. Finally, in a loud thud, the creature collapsed on Baconfry's porch. He trained the gun on the creature and watched for it to move. But it did not. It simply lay there, completely and utterly exhausted.

He lowered the gun slightly. He inspected the creature and quickly noticed something strange. The wings were obnoxiously large chicken wings duct taped to the figure's arms. The body was composed of slabs of meat coating the torso of the figure.

"Varler...?"

"...Yeah...?"

"The hell happened to you?!"

"It's a long story..."

"Here, come inside and get some rest." Baconfry opened the door to his house, and not questioning the state of his friend, gestured for him to sit down on his couch.

"Thanks, dude," replied Varler. He opened his mouth, as if to say something else, but instead, a large tongue exploded out of his face like a rocket and pinned itself into the couch. He careened into the cushion, and wound up slamming upside down on the side of the couch.

~The End~
 
Last edited:
Quite a lot of hilarity to be found here. I don't know if I want any of these to actually make it into the game, but take a like nonetheless :)
 
...what the :red: did I just read? Not entirely sure what to say. I want that flying machine. Sounds like the best idea ever. Those poor birds tho...
 
The Thriller potion!
Guaranteed to make ladies be swoon as you show them your moonwalking skills!
Only: 499.99 Postage Free!
Order now @ 1234-Micheal Jackson-5893.
Order bonus: Double the potions means double the dances! Grab a friend and get laid! Offer ends: 12th December!

side effects include: death, can't stop legs moving (even while sleeping) vomiting, broken legs.

OT: The best idea ever 10/10

 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom