Absorb The Non-Issue

The rubix cube is in fact a prison I am held in, and you must solve it to release me. You never solve it, and eventually it gets thrown out with me inside, killing me once the cube is eventually destroyed.

You spend so much time playing it that you never cure a dangerous disease, which I have.

I play a bullet hell game.
In real life. And in public. Without a wall to stop stray bullets...
It was a rather unfortunate day for me to go for a walk right by where those stray bullets were flying...

A chess board. No pieces for it, just the board itself.
The resulting scent attracts me from afar, and I am caught by authorities and put down after trying to bash down your door.

The lawn sprinklers activate.
It interferes with my nasal rinse, contaminating the saline solution and causing me to die from brain-eating amoebas.

I build up a charge of static electricity by rubbing a balloon back and forth on my fur.
The static electricity causes my homemade explosives to short-circuit and explode prematurely.

I summon King Slime.
I'm on a multiplayer server with you, and the sudden appearance of King Slime startles me, causing me to drop my device on the land mine in front of me in a field I'm sitting in.

I pull a tissue out of a tissue box.
It was the last tissue. I now have nothing to wipe off the lethal venom that has landed on my face.

I update my signature.
While updating your signature, you injure your wrist from moving it the wrong way, and have to go to the doctor. The doctor fixes it right up, but he at some point makes a passing comment that could be taken as rude. At home, it pops into your head, and you can't stop thinking about it, and you forget to eat and drink.

I encourage my cousin to pursue his dream of being a door-to-door cheeseburger salesman.
I'm his first customer, but unfortunately the cheeseburgers contained a deadly fungus.

I post a forum improvement suggestion.
Unfortunately, a small group hates it, and blames all dragons for the suggestion.
I then get lynched for being a dragon.

I work on gathering the scrolls I need for the light coatl project I have planned.
It weighted in my favor.
But so much so that I get stoned to death due to accusations of cheating.

I give you a chair.
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