Story of a Paladin
- Thread starter Samrux
- Start date
Well my first remarks are amazing! You've truly accomplished a feat here. The emotion coming off the words is incredible and I feel you captured a sense of what a dungeon paladin (Sentient albeit) might think. I have critiques as can be expected from anything. Word variation is very important so remember that. There have been several grammatical errors in each segment and sentence structure might need some revision. The last two you did I enjoyed the most, keep up the good work my fellow writer.
Samrux
Santa Claus
First, thank you.
Hm, weird. Since English is not my native tongue, I have a friend checking for such mistakes. Could you please point them out? The pages are read multiple times each before publishing, and remember there is some range of artistic freedom one is allowed to have in written forms of art; the language being flexible and all. I could see a couple of errors still passing, though; now I'm worried. Nobody had pointed this out before!
I have also tried to give some word variety. The language has only so many words, though. Any suggestions that you can find could work?
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Samrux
Santa Claus
<@ Page #8 @>
Damnit. What is even the point in doing it?
I have tried to stay alert, but to what meaning; I am a brute of legends, a monster; my existence would be considered an atrocity for the living, just as I myself believe it to be. I don't need water, nor sleep, I don't need to dispose of any wastes. What am I? What have I become? No longer a human, most surely. My mind exists in a void, only connected to reality by the husk that my body has become. I feel as if the rooms get smaller every hour. And the screams. Oh, the screams; they pierce into my ears like sabers, and their doomed frequencies shake and scramble my weakened mind.
My helmet I had taken off, initially, as it was the only piece of my armor I could remove from my body. I put it back on in an attempt to shut them up, and, if anything, it is amplifying them. Maybe I am just becoming crazy; normal thing.
I think it has been a few days. If it has been weeks, or even worse: hours, then I'll be damned, as that would mean the loss of my sense of time. But I digress. I have been visiting the sunray frequently; I believe my eyes saw 4 nights and 3 days pass in total, from the brief times I was up there. I would have stayed for longer sessions, but everyone has been conglomerating, furiously thrusting forward at the barrier, attacking it with their bodies, swords, and bones, and anything they could get. I had not seen this before. As more get together, the more of the others they attract. Hell, this is a nightmare. But I should, of course, pin my hopes on them; in that they will succeed in breaking the translucent wall; in breaking us free.
However long my stay has lasted, it still feels the same as when it begun. Time passes, but things don’t change. I don’t feel any different. It is still torture.
The howling continues. Poor creatures… May God spare them, and save me. The huge force pushing some of them: their will to escape, is nothing less than frightening, but I am not as impressed as when I first heard them rampage. I'll go check on them now, as painful as it may be for my ears and soul. /
No, they are not going to make it any time soon. Not that I thought for a single moment that It would be so easy. /
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Pixel
Terrarian
You've got something very interested going, but it's not the best it could possibly be. Not to say you're bad, but rather saying you can, instead, make some improvements. So far it's, well, decent, if I were to judge it from start to present. Let me elaborate.
First of all, I suggest adding more description. That isn't necessarily saying you are lacking in description, but I think you'd do better off with some extra description to interest us readers a bit more. Same goes for vocabulary choice, make some more interesting decisions, alternatives for boring or repeated words.
Next, try to clean your plotwork a little more. I mean, you've got it started up and going well, but the fact is, you'll need to try harder. So far the pace is kind of unbalanced, I must admit. This means that you need to find some balance, some sense, to keep sustained through each page. Otherwise it ends up being a mess in the long run. To add, you might also want to talk about more, it seems like you're getting a bit repetitive of yourself after a while.
And lastly, sentence structure. Great, you have some long and detail-rich sentences. But the thing is, in the world of professional writing, short sentences aren't necessarily a good thing, or an appreciated addition let's say. This means that whilst they do help add a little tense and action to the story, if you want to get better, I'd advise not to follow this road.
Hope I helped you out. Good so far.
First of all, I suggest adding more description. That isn't necessarily saying you are lacking in description, but I think you'd do better off with some extra description to interest us readers a bit more. Same goes for vocabulary choice, make some more interesting decisions, alternatives for boring or repeated words.
Next, try to clean your plotwork a little more. I mean, you've got it started up and going well, but the fact is, you'll need to try harder. So far the pace is kind of unbalanced, I must admit. This means that you need to find some balance, some sense, to keep sustained through each page. Otherwise it ends up being a mess in the long run. To add, you might also want to talk about more, it seems like you're getting a bit repetitive of yourself after a while.
And lastly, sentence structure. Great, you have some long and detail-rich sentences. But the thing is, in the world of professional writing, short sentences aren't necessarily a good thing, or an appreciated addition let's say. This means that whilst they do help add a little tense and action to the story, if you want to get better, I'd advise not to follow this road.
Hope I helped you out. Good so far.
Samrux
Santa Claus
@Pixel Thanks a lot for your feedback. And I mean it as in, a whole entire lot, and the lot is all packed together in a tiny very but dense box that once opened reveals just how big the lot was as it explodes in your face. That much lot. Thanks for your comment. I will proceed to reply to it all in the following 4 paragraphs.
As I told to @Teal; I think I will need a bit of external help with sentence structuring and word choice.
Personally, I think I was in a good road with the variety of words I have used so far. But still, if you say it's a problem, then I must agree.
Point two; the story will be big. Because of this, the structure has to start in a certain manner, to show some degree of evolution along the way. Samrux has been through hard times very suddenly, you see: The way he writes and what he writes is totally dependent on his current state. If you found yourself in the same situation, you would probably express things the same way:
Samrux is telling what he feels, and what it is like, and how this place is, all in a very compressed way through the first entry; as he was writing his testament. If any of the things he mentioned in page #6 would be to occur, then he wouldn't be able to write more or not much more. He was writing what he knew could be his last words; describing the place or the situations in depth was not a priority. It's only been 3 entries so far - if it's not a spoiler to say; descriptions would come later. Short and cut sentences do not feel as short when you're writing them in ink, trapped in a buried building, and being tormented by spirits. In fact, you would write them as you thought them, not with much planning. I hope this choice in atmosphere makes sense, and that this reply doesn't make me look too stubborn. I will come to this again below.
As it is, I would describe the story as "Samrux following the plot, not the other way around" - and I say it in hopes that it will not make me seem foolish, as I mean that watching as he changes his frame of mind and writing through time was part of the plan - As I just said, there is some evolution involved. He is writing what he goes through, after all, and his attitude will change in front of these circumstances as he embraces them, and more things show up. But of course, if this hinders the experience, as you have implied (Because if I am writing only what he would be writing, it would make the text very realistic, but possibly not very enjoyable), then I must change things at the core.
That's why I'd hugely appreciate some examples from both of you guys' part, to guide me in the right track to set things in. Show me what's wrong, and show me how to make it not wrong. I'm sorry that this would simply be a task for you, but as my and my friends' close minds might make happen, I won't be able to do this alone.
Hammer.
As I told to @Teal; I think I will need a bit of external help with sentence structuring and word choice.
Personally, I think I was in a good road with the variety of words I have used so far. But still, if you say it's a problem, then I must agree.
Point two; the story will be big. Because of this, the structure has to start in a certain manner, to show some degree of evolution along the way. Samrux has been through hard times very suddenly, you see: The way he writes and what he writes is totally dependent on his current state. If you found yourself in the same situation, you would probably express things the same way:
Samrux is telling what he feels, and what it is like, and how this place is, all in a very compressed way through the first entry; as he was writing his testament. If any of the things he mentioned in page #6 would be to occur, then he wouldn't be able to write more or not much more. He was writing what he knew could be his last words; describing the place or the situations in depth was not a priority. It's only been 3 entries so far - if it's not a spoiler to say; descriptions would come later. Short and cut sentences do not feel as short when you're writing them in ink, trapped in a buried building, and being tormented by spirits. In fact, you would write them as you thought them, not with much planning. I hope this choice in atmosphere makes sense, and that this reply doesn't make me look too stubborn. I will come to this again below.
As it is, I would describe the story as "Samrux following the plot, not the other way around" - and I say it in hopes that it will not make me seem foolish, as I mean that watching as he changes his frame of mind and writing through time was part of the plan - As I just said, there is some evolution involved. He is writing what he goes through, after all, and his attitude will change in front of these circumstances as he embraces them, and more things show up. But of course, if this hinders the experience, as you have implied (Because if I am writing only what he would be writing, it would make the text very realistic, but possibly not very enjoyable), then I must change things at the core.
That's why I'd hugely appreciate some examples from both of you guys' part, to guide me in the right track to set things in. Show me what's wrong, and show me how to make it not wrong. I'm sorry that this would simply be a task for you, but as my and my friends' close minds might make happen, I won't be able to do this alone.
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Sorry for not being here to review you, my girlfriend had a break down. I agree with @Pixel on everything but description/detail. With your story composition and structure I'd stick with what you're doing now. I'll tinker with word variation after I get home in like two minutes.@Pixel Thanks a lot for your feedback. And I mean it as in, a whole entire lot, and the lot is all packed together in a tiny very but dense box that once opened reveals just how big the lot was as it explodes in your face. That much lot. Thanks for your comment. I will proceed to reply to it all in the following 4 paragraphs.
As I told to @Teal; I think I will need a bit of external help with sentence structuring and word choice.
Personally, I think I was in a good road with the variety of words I have used so far. But still, if you say it's a problem, then I must agree.
Point two; the story will be big. Because of this, the structure has to start in a certain manner, to show some degree of evolution along the way. Samrux has been through hard times very suddenly, you see: The way he writes and what he writes is totally dependent on his current state. If you found yourself in the same situation, you would probably express things the same way:
Samrux is telling what he feels, and what it is like, and how this place is, all in a very compressed way through the first entry; as he was writing his testament. If any of the things he mentioned in page #6 would be to occur, then he wouldn't be able to write more or not much more. He was writing what he knew could be his last words; describing the place or the situations in depth was not a priority. It's only been 3 entries so far - if it's not a spoiler to say; descriptions would come later. Short and cut sentences do not feel as short when you're writing them in ink, trapped in a buried building, and being tormented by spirits. In fact, you would write them as you thought them, not with much planning. I hope this choice in atmosphere makes sense, and that this reply doesn't make me look too stubborn. I will come to this again below.
As it is, I would describe the story as "Samrux following the plot, not the other way around" - and I say it in hopes that it will not make me seem foolish, as I mean that watching as he changes his frame of mind and writing through time was part of the plan - As I just said, there is some evolution involved. He is writing what he goes through, after all, and his attitude will change in front of these circumstances as he embraces them, and more things show up. But of course, if this hinders the experience, as you have implied (Because if I am writing only what he would be writing, it would make the text very realistic, but possibly not very enjoyable), then I must change things at the core.
That's why I'd hugely appreciate some examples from both of you guys' part, to guide me in the right track to set things in. Show me what's wrong, and show me how to make it not wrong. I'm sorry that this would simply be a task for you, but as my and my friends' close minds might make happen, I won't be able to do this alone.
Hammer.
Xman101🌳
Cultist
I'll just put down some points that I think might need addressing. These are more grammatical errors that could leave a reader confused/are a bit ambiguous.
Otherwise, your command of the English language is great. Much better than what I, a native English speaker, could attempt to conjure up for a story.
EDIT: A part of my critique wasn't showing up for some strange reason. Hopefully you'll be able to see this.
EDIT 2: I hate my iPad keyboard. I'll fix this properly when I get to a computer.
EDIT 3: Hopefully looks pretty now.
Just 'shut them' doesn't quite make sense on its own; however, 'Shut them up' or 'Shut them out' would make sense.
Otherwise, your command of the English language is great. Much better than what I, a native English speaker, could attempt to conjure up for a story.
EDIT: A part of my critique wasn't showing up for some strange reason. Hopefully you'll be able to see this.
I don't quite understand this phrase. You may be missing a word here that clarifies exactly what you mean.
EDIT 2: I hate my iPad keyboard. I'll fix this properly when I get to a computer.
EDIT 3: Hopefully looks pretty now.
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Samrux
Santa Claus
<@ Page #9 @>
Samrux’s retelling of recent events
It has been around 7 days and 6 nights, "living" in a place whose horrors could break the bravest of men. An entry like this should not start on a different note, as the tale told in this manuscript is as dark as it is and yet sicker.
Naturally, seven days and six nights derive only from my fairest of approximations, for as easy as it may seem to keep track of the sun from the base of the tower (The tallest one, and from which a trace of light manages to come through), my torment must be somehow altering my perceptions, so as to confuse me and set me back, in a way that I can't in the name of Water describe or fathom. I cannot keep track of time, and it perturbs me.
Throughout these tragic days, I’ve come to finally decide that this was not just an event of chance, but a machination of some twisted evil. Whether those to blame were trying to cause these awful outcomes on purpose: Enclosing living beings in a state of bestiality, lacking thought, and unable to die, surrounded by their own blood and flesh; or maybe if they were turned into victims as well, with some upper force as the origin of this savagery, I have no way of knowing. I can't wrap my head around this; every hour I meditate on these thoughts to reach little conclusion. This has made me question where I fall into these affairs. Then, I wonder: Why me?
Maybe I'm being punished. Oh, God, even though I can't even begin to contemplate the idea of a sentence like this being justified, and on me, even, of all people, it shocks and scares me to think that I could have been able to act in such a way so as to deserve this kind of horrendous plight. The thought perseveres in my head as just another possibility; one more unlikely explanation for the suffering I and the others in here have and are going through.
I shall now record the tale of my awakening, to apprise you of events past; how it was to wake up inside this place, to discover the morbid mysteries there were in store for anyone conscious enough to observe them. Seeing as I have the longest time to spare, writing down these events might as well help me remember, or reconsider some understandings I once had about all that transpired.
My last memory before my fall into darkness is as follows: I was walking around the city, and I had some duty to do somewhere else.
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The Ohmega Blue
Skeletron
Woo! New chapter eez out!
TheQuietBisharp
Official Terrarian
I just went and read everything I'd missed. It reminds me a lot of I Am Legend. The zombified humans were beasts, but they had some humanity. I'm liking it so far.
Nimbus_Bolt
Eye of Cthulhu
Um... The level of writing that you are at is amazing. Write a real book and get it published and you'll probably become a millionaire.
Humblebee
Terrarian
This is awesome!
[DOUBLEPOST=1426736455][/DOUBLEPOST]
[DOUBLEPOST=1426736455][/DOUBLEPOST]
Agreed
Samrux
Santa Claus
Thanks for your sweet replies, guys. They really cheer me up.
Today I was 5 hours late to post the page compared to all 8 other pages. This Wednesday I had school from 8 AM to 5:30 PM, and once home, slept till dusk. Then I had to do other stuff... To finally get the entry through edition process. Yeah. I apologize.
I'm still waiting for @Teal's and @Pixel's possible help, if they are willing to, of course. Teal said he would, but I don't know what happened. It's okay, though; if real life calls, my story should not be their priority.
Today I was 5 hours late to post the page compared to all 8 other pages. This Wednesday I had school from 8 AM to 5:30 PM, and once home, slept till dusk. Then I had to do other stuff... To finally get the entry through edition process. Yeah. I apologize.
I'm still waiting for @Teal's and @Pixel's possible help, if they are willing to, of course. Teal said he would, but I don't know what happened. It's okay, though; if real life calls, my story should not be their priority.
The Fallen Star Bestary and my Poetry Tavern is what happened. I promised myself I'd head to library to do refinement but I've been occupied due to my own stupidity and bad habits. *Recoils under bed sheets, DON'T LOOK AT ME!*Thanks for your sweet replies, guys. They really cheer me up.
Today I was 5 hours late to post the page compared to all 8 other pages. Today I had school from 8 AM to 5:30 PM, and once home, slept till dusk. Then I had to do other stuff... To finally get the entry through edition process. Yeah.
I'm still waiting for @Teal's and @Pixel's possible help, if they are willing to, of course. Teal said he would, but I don't know what happened. It's okay, though; if real life calls, my story should not be their priority.
Pixel
Terrarian
If you knew the book industry properly, then you would realize that that's a giant exaggeration. Most good authors don't get enough money to live. Sure, there are some authors that have turned into billionaires, millionaires, but that's only like 20 out of millions. Not only is there that, but publishing is the biggest pain in the arse.
Anyway, back to topic. What would you like help with, @Samrux ?
Samrux
Santa Claus
Wasn't planning to become a writer anyways x) Nimbus Bolt's comment was sweet though, regardless of ita veracity.
I'd appreciate help with anything that you strongly believe should be changed. Not every little thing individually; show me what I've been doing wrong with examples so I can go back and make it work.
I've already been editing small things in the story, but still. However-many-minds are better than one.
And I would like to hear your response to my reply from two days ago. It should provide some extra insight on itself.
I'd appreciate help with anything that you strongly believe should be changed. Not every little thing individually; show me what I've been doing wrong with examples so I can go back and make it work.
I've already been editing small things in the story, but still. However-many-minds are better than one.
And I would like to hear your response to my reply from two days ago. It should provide some extra insight on itself.
The Ohmega Blue
Skeletron
This is very true. My uncle writes children's books, and they sell some what decently, but he only gets 42 cents out of ten dollars.
Keep up the good work @Samrux!
Samrux
Santa Claus
<@ Page #10 @>
I do not know what could have been filling my thoughts back then, and, logically, I wonder intensely. But this much I do remember, and it is that I had my warhammer at hand, and I was greatly determined, with decision and passionate sentiment focused on my objective. So is how I remember feeling at that moment, and nothing more. Everything was normal: The people, buildings and roads all were ordinary. Life appears as daily, before the whole scene converges into a void inside my conscious. I can't recall what went on after those events, as hard as I might try; after the walk, I just dissapeared, and woke up here, imprisoned, and cursed.
Nothing feels safe or certain anymore. I even doubt myself, believing that I could have erred, and somehow caused this all. My last memory bothering me as so suspicious.
The only event I can retell with confidence after said fact is that I next woke up in the darkness, with a sort of headache that encompassed not only my brain, but my whole spirit in its entirety; a lingering presence looming above me. It is the torment I have mentioned, which I still have, and which I still believe to be the voices of the Underworld trying to take me back to the realm of the dead. That is why I cannot feel safe, and the reason I feel doubt of the most essential wisdom I once took for certain.
I tried to realize where in God's name I was, or to imagine what could have possibly transpired to find myself in this dark room that was, most surely of all, not my own.
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