Story A World Covered in Blood and Flames. Content Warning: Extremely dark, graphic mentions of torture, mentions of drugs, kind of swear words, dark humor.

Good story. Like the idea. One issue: the character voices seem too similar. Fernando seems to be based off of Puss in Boots, so maybe give him that same fearless, confident, inspirational air. Alfredo, based on his exposed backstory, seems like someone who should speak carefully and curtly. Spork… I dunno. Maybe a certain speech gimmick like he occasionally clinks when he moves his mouth. Just something to make the characters distinct.
Source: I also write stories.
 
Stellar Mastodon 267 said:
Good story. Like the idea. One issue: the character voices seem too similar. Fernando seems to be based off of Puss in Boots, so maybe give him that same fearless, confident, inspirational air. Alfredo, based on his exposed backstory, seems like someone who should speak carefully and curtly. Spork… I dunno. Maybe a certain speech gimmick like he occasionally clinks when he moves his mouth. Just something to make the characters distinct.
Source: I also write stories.
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Fun fact: Fernando is actually nothing like Puss in Boots, he is a scientist of Los Viajeros. And he was sent by Los Viajeros to recruit Alfredo Gustavio. And also, he was once a comedian.

Alfredo Gustavio is an expert at surpressing emotions and playing along. And despite the things he has experienced, he has courage in his blood. For his family comes from a lineage of warriors chosen by the Kingdoms. He managed to escape for a reason.

Objectianus as in Spork-guy can have a variety of different personalities... But it appears that Spork-guy is just an average but very lonely Joe. More about his backstory will come later, same with the Comedy Confidants.

The thing that is funny is that I have a ton of lore which I haven't revealed yet... So stay tuned.
 
SpikeyWikey!~ 😋😸 said:
Fun fact: Fernando is actually nothing like Puss in Boots, he is a scientist of Los Viajeros. And he was sent by Los Viajeros to recruit Alfredo Gustavio. And also, he was once a comedian.

Alfredo Gustavio is an expert at surpressing emotions and playing along. And despite the things he has experienced, he has courage in his blood. For his family comes from a lineage of warriors chosen by the Kingdoms. He managed to escape for a reason.

Objectianus as in Spork-guy can have a variety of different personalities... But it appears that Spork-guy is just an average but very lonely Joe. More about his backstory will come later, same with the Comedy Confidants.

The thing that is funny is that I have a ton of lore which I haven't revealed yet... So stay tuned.
Click to expand...
Fascinating. But you may be able to tell from my comment that none of those facts could be gleaned from the text, so try inserting them more. If these are supposed to be secrets that come by later, then try avoiding giving anything in the current draft. It is kind of all or nothing with characterization vs chronology.
 
Stellar Mastodon 267 said:
Fascinating. But you may be able to tell from my comment that none of those facts could be gleaned from the text, so try inserting them more. If these are supposed to be secrets that come by later, then try avoiding giving anything in the current draft. It is kind of all or nothing with characterization vs chronology.
Click to expand...
(Actually I have a document where I have written even more chapters and context... But some of that stuff is a whole lot darker. So this post is a bit dated.)
 
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