Story Crazy Adventures

[Artie]

I know this is a pretty common idea for a story, but I still tried giving it a shot.

Crazy Adventures
In Terraria
​

Spoiler: Prologue

Weird.
I've just been playing this game called "Terra-something" - found it on steam, it had a lot of positive reviews, so I bought it.
Opened it up, created a character, like always, and now I'm lying on a beach. A sunny beach.

Or at least I think so. I don't dare open my eyes - maybe it's just a feeling...
But no - I definitely feel some soft ground beneath my back and the sun on my face.

Now, lying on a beach would be weird for me because of two reasons. A) I've just been in my room, and B) I don't go out to sunny beaches. I stay at my house - always. I play games, hang out with my friends (via skype). House is safe.

So, I'm on this beach, eyes closed, enjoying the sun, and suddenly someone slaps me on the face-
"Hey!" I yell, angry. You'd be angry too if someone slapped you for no reason.
"Stop slapping me, for g-"

I finally open my eyes.
Turned out I'm not on a beach. I'm in a forest, and standing over me is a guy with brown hair, white t-shirt and blue trousers.

"Who're you?" I mumble.
The sun took it's toll, I already started to mumble. Told you - house is safe.

"I'm the Guide. Colin the Guide."
Says the weird guy.
Looks like he also had his head exposed to the sun for too long.

"What, you're like that GPS gadget?" I ask.
"In that case, could you tell me where I am?"

"You're on Terraria"

​

Spoiler: Chapter 1: The House

"Here, let me give you some cold water" He said after a moment of silence.

Terraria? What heck of a place is called terraria? Well, answers'll come later I guess. All I wanted right now is to drink some of the water from the flask this weird guy was holding - and to get away from the sun. I wanted to lie down under the shade of trees and wait for things to sort themselves out. It always worked for me.

After I talked to Colin some more I realised that I'm only going to get the water.
No resting in shade for you, punk. Well, he didn't say that in those exact words- He said:

"You need to make a house for us before night comes. At night monsters wake" he said. "Use this axe" he showed me a copper axe, "-and this pickaxe."
He gave me the pickaxe.

"Gee, thanks..." It was getting worse and worse. A guy who calls himself "the Guide" - ok...
But a guy who suddenly gives you a pickaxe and an axe and tells you to build a house- things like that only happend in stories my mama used to tell me when I was little.

I had no choice but to get started. I chopped down some trees, and tried mining stone. Have you ever tried to mine stone? It's hard. Too hard, actually - I had to settle for the wood.

After two hours or so (it was hard to tell the time) I gathered enough of it- time to build myself a house.

While I was building (or more like putting logs together) Colin sat at a tree trunk and observed me. I asked him to help, but he just shrugged and closed his eyes. Soon he was asleep. Weird guy.

After another several hours I managed to make something that doesn't topple down when I try to enter. It didn't have a door, but I guess it's not as important right now. I slumped down on the ground and fell asleep.

​

Spoiler: Chapter 2: Yet another point of view

No.
No, that's impossible.
They are gone.
It can't be one of them.

He apperead today. And that wretched Guide with him.

His presence here means Re-logic released The Game again.
They shouldn't do that, but hey, humans often do what they shouldn't.

Not posting chapters for some time, gonna edit the ones I have now.

 

[Anth7150]

I can't comment on some of the sentences...

 

[Dreadful man]

Its good but its kind of generic. Would be much better if there is more creativity and twists. Looking forward for chapter 2.

 

[Anth7150]

Could you explain?

EDIT: I edited some sentences that weren't quite clear.

(i can't describe it that well since important autistic ) its at the beginning of the prologue, this guy is at a beach and just darent open his eyes...why doesn't he dare to open his eyes? (at least i can understand it a bit better)

 

[Anth7150]

Wrote an edit but wifi went out...

 

[Anth7150]

@Mineblock04122
He hopes it's just a feeling that will go away after some time. Sorry if that wasn't exactly clear

Yeh i put that in my edit (damn wifi always going out)

 

[Pixel]

Hello there, @MattS . You're a relatively new member and you've already begun a story. You must have a profound motive or passion to have started off so quickly. So, before I begin my critique, welcome, and enjoy your time spent on the forums.

First of all, your story completely relies on dialogue, and nothing much else. Its foundations are speech marks and blunt wit, and just that. You need to cover more areas and begin to develop your ideas more descriptively. A story really can't be much of a success if it doesn't include any descriptive information. Other than the speech, you've only really got a bit of the protagonist's thoughts to think on, and some dull-as-dishwater speak regarding trees. Step up the game, buddy!

To improve this, I suggest you revise the chapters individually and think where you could input some additional description. Description can revolve itself around characters, the landscape, pretty much anything. When you're construing the characteristics of pretty much anything, remember the rule that quality beats quantity. There's no reason why you should drag on with a certain description to such an extent that you bore the readers. And to add to this point, make sure things are necessary. Nobody's going to care about the birds chirping or the bunnies exploding into indistinct gore.

Secondly, you should pace the story out a little bit more. If you look at this snippet of text I've removed from your story, you can very well see the problems in pace that I've emphasised in bold and underlined font.

<<

I had no choice but to get started. I chopped down some trees, and tried mining stone. Have you ever tried to mine stone? It's hard. Too hard, actually - I had to settle for the wood.

After two hours or so (it was hard to tell the time) I gathered enough of it- time to build myself a house.

While I was building (or more like putting logs together) Colin sat at a tree trunk and observed me. I asked him to help, but he just shrugged and closed his eyes. Soon he was asleep. Weird guy.

After another several hours I managed to make something that doesn't topple down when I try to enter. It didn't have a door, but I guess it's not as important right now. I slumped down on the ground and fell asleep.

>>

There we go. With the first highlight, it says the story has already progressed by two hours. That's a little disconcerting. Sure, the events taking place might not necessarily be important or enjoyable, but that doesn't mean you advance time willy-nilly to such a crazy degree. With the second highlight, you'll see a line of text very similar to the one I mentioned previously. By definition, several means more than two. Already, assuming our Colin character isn't a master builder, that could've extended to three to four hours based on the two hours it took to break down trees. Now, the final line that I emphasised were at the very end of the sequence. ...And your character has already fallen asleep. That needs to change.

What I'd like to suggest is that you consider adding more events, and as aforementioned, add some description. It's not that the events expressed are bad, but rather having them jump to one another with every three lines. That's all I've got for recommendations on improving the pace.

And finally, as a small mouse-bite of criticism, you should probably think about adding more to your chapters. You really can't assume that people are going to be excited for the next chapter if it only contains a single paragraph's worth of content. You definitely need to work on that, and the suggestions as to how you can fix that is already linked to what I mentioned beforehand. Description, events, more! Come on, pal.

Well, I hope you liked my critique. Here's my rating.

​

That's a four out of ten, buddy. Hopefully if you build upon my critique and develop your generic plotwork a little more, then we can hope for an improved score. You're happy to disregard my comments, but I believe one improves the most when faced with feedback. I guess four stars still accounts for something, so you should feel happy for yourself. If I came across harsh, then I'm very sorry. This is the world of literature, pal, and not everything's going to go your way. I've had a fair share of this stuff when I was a horrific writer. Assertions or opinions; they should both help you either way.

Seeya' around.

 

[Anth7150]

Hello there, @MattS . You're a relatively new member and you've already begun a story. You must have a profound motive or passion to have started off so quickly. So, before I begin my critique, welcome, and enjoy your time spent on the forums.

First of all, your story completely relies on dialogue, and nothing much else. Its foundations are speech marks and blunt wit, and just that. You need to cover more areas and begin to develop your ideas more descriptively. A story really can't be much of a success if it doesn't include any descriptive information. Other than the speech, you've only really got a bit of the protagonist's thoughts to think on, and some dull-as-dishwater speak regarding trees. Step up the game, buddy!

To improve this, I suggest you revise the chapters individually and think where you could input some additional description. Description can revolve itself around characters, the landscape, pretty much anything. When you're construing the characteristics of pretty much anything, remember the rule that quality beats quantity. There's no reason why you should drag on with a certain description to such an extent that you bore the readers. And to add to this point, make sure things are necessary. Nobody's going to care about the birds chirping or the bunnies exploding into indistinct gore.

Secondly, you should pace the story out a little bit more. If you look at this snippet of text I've removed from your story, you can very well see the problems in pace that I've emphasised in bold and underlined font.

<<

I had no choice but to get started. I chopped down some trees, and tried mining stone. Have you ever tried to mine stone? It's hard. Too hard, actually - I had to settle for the wood.

After two hours or so (it was hard to tell the time) I gathered enough of it- time to build myself a house.

While I was building (or more like putting logs together) Colin sat at a tree trunk and observed me. I asked him to help, but he just shrugged and closed his eyes. Soon he was asleep. Weird guy.

After another several hours I managed to make something that doesn't topple down when I try to enter. It didn't have a door, but I guess it's not as important right now. I slumped down on the ground and fell asleep.

>>

There we go. With the first highlight, it says the story has already progressed by two hours. That's a little disconcerting. Sure, the events taking place might not necessarily be important or enjoyable, but that doesn't mean you advance time willy-nilly to such a crazy degree. With the second highlight, you'll see a line of text very similar to the one I mentioned previously. By definition, several means more than two. Already, assuming our Colin character isn't a master builder, that could've extended to three to four hours based on the two hours it took to break down trees. Now, the final line that I emphasised were at the very end of the sequence. ...And your character has already fallen asleep. That needs to change.

What I'd like to suggest is that you consider adding more events, and as aforementioned, add some description. It's not that the events expressed are bad, but rather having them jump to one another with every three lines. That's all I've got for recommendations on improving the pace.

And finally, as a small mouse-bite of criticism, you should probably think about adding more to your chapters. You really can't assume that people are going to be excited for the next chapter if it only contains a single paragraph's worth of content. You definitely need to work on that, and the suggestions as to how you can fix that is already linked to what I mentioned beforehand. Description, events, more! Come on, pal.

Well, I hope you liked my critique. Here's my rating.

​

That's a four out of ten, buddy. Hopefully if you build upon my critique and develop your generic plotwork a little more, then we can hope for an improved score. You're happy to disregard my comments, but I believe one improves the most when faced with feedback. I guess four stars still accounts for something, so you should feel happy for yourself. If I came across harsh, then I'm very sorry. This is the world of literature, pal, and not everything's going to go your way. I've had a fair share of this stuff when I was a horrific writer. Assertions or opinions; they should both help you either way.

Seeya' around.

Since important on mobile, and the auto spell is messed up, that would take me hours to write

 

[Pixel]

And how is that relevant to my critique or the story? I mean, thanks for the indirect compliment, but...

 

[Anth7150]

And how is that relevant to my critique or the story? I mean, thanks for the indirect compliment, but...

(auto spell keeps on changing the word "im" to "important")

 

[Artie]

Hello there, @MattS . You're a relatively new member and you've already begun a story. You must have a profound motive or passion to have started off so quickly. So, before I begin my critique, welcome, and enjoy your time spent on the forums.

First of all, your story completely relies on dialogue, and nothing much else. Its foundations are speech marks and blunt wit, and just that. You need to cover more areas and begin to develop your ideas more descriptively. A story really can't be much of a success if it doesn't include any descriptive information. Other than the speech, you've only really got a bit of the protagonist's thoughts to think on, and some dull-as-dishwater speak regarding trees. Step up the game, buddy!

To improve this, I suggest you revise the chapters individually and think where you could input some additional description. Description can revolve itself around characters, the landscape, pretty much anything. When you're construing the characteristics of pretty much anything, remember the rule that quality beats quantity. There's no reason why you should drag on with a certain description to such an extent that you bore the readers. And to add to this point, make sure things are necessary. Nobody's going to care about the birds chirping or the bunnies exploding into indistinct gore.

Secondly, you should pace the story out a little bit more. If you look at this snippet of text I've removed from your story, you can very well see the problems in pace that I've emphasised in bold and underlined font.

<<

I had no choice but to get started. I chopped down some trees, and tried mining stone. Have you ever tried to mine stone? It's hard. Too hard, actually - I had to settle for the wood.

After two hours or so (it was hard to tell the time) I gathered enough of it- time to build myself a house.

While I was building (or more like putting logs together) Colin sat at a tree trunk and observed me. I asked him to help, but he just shrugged and closed his eyes. Soon he was asleep. Weird guy.

After another several hours I managed to make something that doesn't topple down when I try to enter. It didn't have a door, but I guess it's not as important right now. I slumped down on the ground and fell asleep.

>>

There we go. With the first highlight, it says the story has already progressed by two hours. That's a little disconcerting. Sure, the events taking place might not necessarily be important or enjoyable, but that doesn't mean you advance time willy-nilly to such a crazy degree. With the second highlight, you'll see a line of text very similar to the one I mentioned previously. By definition, several means more than two. Already, assuming our Colin character isn't a master builder, that could've extended to three to four hours based on the two hours it took to break down trees. Now, the final line that I emphasised were at the very end of the sequence. ...And your character has already fallen asleep. That needs to change.

What I'd like to suggest is that you consider adding more events, and as aforementioned, add some description. It's not that the events expressed are bad, but rather having them jump to one another with every three lines. That's all I've got for recommendations on improving the pace.

And finally, as a small mouse-bite of criticism, you should probably think about adding more to your chapters. You really can't assume that people are going to be excited for the next chapter if it only contains a single paragraph's worth of content. You definitely need to work on that, and the suggestions as to how you can fix that is already linked to what I mentioned beforehand. Description, events, more! Come on, pal.

Well, I hope you liked my critique. Here's my rating.

​

That's a four out of ten, buddy. Hopefully if you build upon my critique and develop your generic plotwork a little more, then we can hope for an improved score. You're happy to disregard my comments, but I believe one improves the most when faced with feedback. I guess four stars still accounts for something, so you should feel happy for yourself. If I came across harsh, then I'm very sorry. This is the world of literature, pal, and not everything's going to go your way. I've had a fair share of this stuff when I was a horrific writer. Assertions or opinions; they should both help you either way.

Seeya' around.

Thanks for info and suggestions.
I'm going to stop uploading chapters for a while, and instead think of what I can improve in what I already have.