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Story Xeno's Literature

Teal

Eater of Worlds
Hey, Xeno. Wanted to pop by and check things out after I saw your ad. I'm impressed.

The writing style is hard to describe. It's cohesive, feels very smooth. Clean, if you will. I like it. The problem being clean is interesting to a degree; add a few decorations and designs to your canvas, that will break the uninterrupted cleanliness.

I heard someone talk about hooks, those narrative devices you use to pull a reader in, within your first sentence. I'd recommend experimenting with those too.

Overall the writing is very good, you fuel progression quite well with your "cleanliness." It makes things move almost a little too fast though, so slow it down with those designs and decorations I suggested before.

Narrative Devices, Figurative Language, and most importantly Word Variation, could be those "designs and decorations."
 

XenoCat

Steampunker
Hey, Xeno. Wanted to pop by and check things out after I saw your ad. I'm impressed.

The writing style is hard to describe. It's cohesive, feels very smooth. Clean, if you will. I like it. The problem being clean is interesting to a degree; add a few decorations and designs to your canvas, that will break the uninterrupted cleanliness.

I heard someone talk about hooks, those narrative devices you use to pull a reader in, within your first sentence. I'd recommend experimenting with those too.

Overall the writing is very good, you fuel progression quite well with your "cleanliness." It makes things move almost a little too fast though, so slow it down with those designs and decorations I suggested before.

Narrative Devices, Figurative Language, and most importantly Word Variation, could be those "designs and decorations."
Oh, my.
This is quite a shock.
You come out of the shadows for the first time in weeks to commend my writing.
 

Teal

Eater of Worlds
Oh, my.
This is quite a shock.
You come out of the shadows for the first time in weeks to commend my writing.
I've been keeping an eye on things. Just wanted to give some support to an aspiring writer with talent.

If you need any tips or want to chat about literature stuff, Teal is here. Steam, and PM.
 

XenoCat

Steampunker
I'll ask, because I want to know what you guys would like to see next...

A. Continuation of... (Choose one)
or
B. New Snippet
 

king40606

Terrarian
Well then, if you want to do something new, I can give you some inspiration if you want.
Other than that, usually the best way to write something is to a fresh start, so that's what I would do.
 

FlakMaster

The Destroyer
The vocabulary and presentation is pretty solid. But, as one can expect, the critism will be the larger part of the post.

Starting with something small, though not done severely, try to avoid repetition. The prime examples I can pull out are numerous mentions of the name 'Xel' close to each other. It's better to repeat 'he' than it is the name. Or, you could refer to him differently as something different every now and then such as 'The Master thief'. Long as the context is there for it to be obvious enough as to who you're referring to, it's all good. Repetition seems to be one of those big factors that the reader can find very irritating to go through (unless the repetition is used intentionally in a clever manner).

I feel like I should also say that the story goes a little quick. The main culprit I believe is lack of detail to the surrounding environment. Creating the environment is a big deal to immerse the reader into the world. It's actually pretty easy to do if you remember to use the main 5 senses as a guide. What does it look like (sight)? What does it feel like (touch)? What does it sound like (hear)? What does it smell like (smell)? What does it taste like (taste). The taste sense is a little uncommon, though it can be used in a twisted way, such as someone 'tasting' a bitter air around them. Oh, and the emotional feel is a big thing too, as in how does specific events make characters feel. Not to say that you aren't doing any of the above, but it can be used to expand and slow down the story so the reader has enough time to immerse themselves into the world and feel/understand what is happening.

To draw a few scenarios in which you could add more detail with the above using the second piece of writing, you could explain what the inn looks like. You could describe a little bit of history about it. You could describe the voices of the inn and their mood; furthermore you could make a conversation overheard or otherwise point out some exclaimed speech. There can also be the scent of alcohol or cooked meat that you can also describe. Another example can be the false sense of the dream; you could perhaps explain further why it was initially suspected to be a dream and then elaborate on the exact reasons why it couldn't be.

Of course, one thing to point out about attention to detail, that I've suffered from before, is that there are situations where it isn't appropriate. If you're slowly walking by in the inn, you have plenty of time to take note of a lot of different features. If you're describing an action scene full of quick attacks and tense moments, it'll feel oddly drawled out if you describe every little detail.

Don't take me as some expert though, I could be wrong on some parts. This is just to the best of my knowledge. Also, don't take this critism as a mark that the literature is bad, as I am just suggesting improvements where I see fit.
 
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