Absorb The Non-Issue

You were carrying me, and then you accidentally dropped me.

I fall to my death.
 
I try to rescue you, but then I impale myself on the flagpole.

I impale myself on the flagpole.
 
I'm distracted by looking at you and fail to notice the guy about to shoot me.

I fail to notice the guy about to shoot me.
 
I get on the way, and that's enough to him to shot me 37 times, last being instant death.

I was shot 37 times with headshot on top of that.
 
I get hit in the throat by one that went through your wings.

I get shot in the throat.
 
The bullet goes through and hugs me in the heart.

I read homestuck because for some reason I haven't yet
 
But first you had to make sure no one was threatening you and destroy the threats. I am threat.

I'm wanted by the police.
 
Due to not having enough details they mistake me for you and shoot me.

I get shot due to a mistake.
 
But then the bullet pierces and hits me across the entire body.

I am pushed off the building.
 
I try to catch you but get crushed due to the size difference.

I get crushed.
 
Then some of your bones that were shattered somehow pierce through my body.

I write a death story.
 
Based on the true event of me dying.

I eat cake.
 
Eating the cake makes the universe explode, and I'm in the universe.

I travel back in time to stop you from eating the cake.
 
But the cake was the only way to feed myself, and I starve to death.

I yell out "The cake is a lie!"
 
I am so startled by your yelling I fall into a spike pit.

I decide I'll install a new GPU to my PC on tuesday.
 
Then power goes out just as I cause a small fire outside, causing you to pay an assassin just to kill me.

I play with dynamite sticks.
 
You decide to put a lit one in my mouth to see what would happen, it was a mess.

I get blown up by Eldgar.
 
I then cry out a guilt. After digging you a grave and lying you there, I accidentally fall in the same one too, and then buried alive, killed due to asphyxiation.

I'm being suffocated in a grave.
 
I try to dig you out but end up suffocating myself as well.

I try to finish some work I should've done earlier.
 
The job you had to do earlier is to burn my dead body. Because I was just recently resurrected, you forget that I'm alive and set me ablaze, burning me to ashes.

I stop the criminal scum, because he broke the law on my watch.
 
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