I would love for you to join my merry band of dwindling writers, when you've time. When I referred to competition I meant it in the most friendly of ways, however considering Crocket and I's history, a misinterpretation was made. Regardless of the past, we have made peace. Our threads are wildly different, and the comments you've made as to the humorous portions definitely have value. Though, it should be noted satire is very much built around being somewhat predictable and repetitive so that when you break repetition it is especially comedic.
Member-Run Project Terraria Absolutus
- Thread starter Teal
- Start date
Ah yes, TCF-ites, Terarians, Bums who stole some random guy's phone and found this website, it is that jolly time of the year in which we celebrate Christmas. Not all of us, albeit, but atleast I do. If you don't, and you're offended, well too bad. Because it's Christmas, and I'm decking the figurative Terraria Absolutus Halls! We've got our first festive special, along with a custom edition filled to the brim with short stories.
On that note we've some news. Terraria Absolutus is forming an assemblage. Now, whilst I have been practicing for hours upon hours my voice I'd say "Absolutus Assemble!" in, my T:A elves have been hard at work hand crafting this special! With that agenda in mind, here's the new cast.
Kazzymodus, an extremely capable writer who knows his way around the pen, keyboard, or typewriter. He'll be joining me as an equal leader. Helping both in recruiting, and the writing things.
Alabaster, a veteran to the team from a text older than the bible, The Fallen Star Bestiary. A loyal and trustworthy member to the crew then, and just as good now. We welcome him with open arms to the writing A-Team.
Unfortunately, along with my efforts to make this edition special, and form the team, there have been delays and
setbacks. Primarily the loss of Kalifox, a writer whom I had planned on joining our team. Interactions and the such just didn't work out. She is still amazing, and you ought to check out the scribblings of her own thread.
If you want to enlist please shoot me or @Kazzymodus a wax pressed PM to our addresses. Include some examples and times you might be available.
Artistic Credits: - @DerpoTheMagnificent
Special Thanks: @Flor3nce2456 - The Incredibly designed Christmas dividers and banners for this special!
@azumarill64 - A fantastic side writer that pitched in to write a story or two!
Oh yeah, and @EpicCriddle for being unknowingly featured. Heh.
SHORT STORY
TRUNK
In the future it is my plan to release these short story specials from time to time, under the title "Short Story Trunk." This is because they are light reads, some more than others, and easier to produce. I am understaffed, and undoubtedly will be for a while, so these will make good fillers and inbetween editions. This opportunity allows me to elaborate as to how they work. They will contain the new short stories we write and produce, along with the ones from previous editions. Hence the name Short Story Trunk. Because a lot of free writing is done I can grab authors, outside of the team to help. This also means you can submit your short stories, without a deadline, to the T:A (if you want them featured in it, of course)and I can put it out whenever the next edition is released. So it is easily our first user submission segment.
PREVIOUS STORIES:
Authored By: Teal
It was cold, every flake of snow an agent of the ice, freezing all in sight. Hampered breath, the sound of a man fighting against the gathering forces of snow. A wet, long cough. The scarcely lit torches barely created a shelter against the darkness. The man shuffled across the room, every step a traipse. He groaned as he lifted up the lid to a wooden, splintered chest. He needs it, no, nay, she does. She'd be back soon, and she'd need a health potion for a recovery. It was too cold, and he had suffered too. Was he to take the potion? Was he to be the humble man and the good Samaritan, loyal even? His lips quivered from the urge to just swallow down the bottle and recover the health that would ease his pain, at least for a while.Then, the sound ringing down the stairs and radiating his already shaking bones. Glass, yes, he was sure of it. Glass. Glass breaking and falling onto the wooden floor. There was only so much he could do to defend himself now. Regret swelled in his bosom, should he have truly lent his armor, his defense, to a woman he hardly knew? A chilled whisper, a crackling sound of ice snapping against itself, wind circling, all growing closer. He rummaged yet again through the chest, yes! Eureka!
The familiar feeling of the blue sword in his hand, Cobalt, a hardy and trusty metal. His only defense was a bucket, and that of the sword. The Ice Elemental, a wicked construct of the cold, glided down the stairs like a breeze traveling on the wind. Haha! Strike, after strike, after strike, he would win. Yes, he would. But of course the feeling was lost in adrenaline, he hadn't noticed being so busy when he slew the beast. The rippling pain was gradual, and he then knew. A bolt of razor sharp ice had penetrated his chest, he faltered and fell to both knees. Breathing led to gasping, gasping led to wheezing, there would not be much time left.
But, oh, oh-oh-o' oh oh, he could see her now. The beauty whom had found him sheltered amongst the snow in the first place. He could see her, triumphantly charging to his aid. She assessed, realizing how grave the injuries were. Scampered to the chest. Grabbed the potion. But as she pressed the bottle to his lips and he could feel yet again the relief melted away, quite unlike the snow. A towering behemoth stood before the door, unto both of them. Two blue beams of icy laser pulsed through her chest and she fell to the ground. The colossal Ice Golem entered the humble house and stood there, beating the poor woman. Was the man scared? No, he was not. Why? He had found warmth. A little red candle, with a long brown wic that sparked when he lit it. The spark winded down the stem and the whole house was filled with warmth, images of time forgotten, and happiness, one last time.
NEW RELEASES:
Authored By: Teal
It was thrilling, then again, it always was. Every stroke of his Phasesaber leaving a brief streak of yellow light behind it. The Wyvern wheeled left and right determined to destroy the long time foe. It's tail seemed to meander like that of a river, traveling up the whole magnificent serpentine body. Jack laughed at the danger, hardly audible against the thick wind. It was clockwork to Jack, or it had become as so. Land on the asphalt bridge, wait for the Wyvern to make another pass, propel into the sky using his bat-like Demon Wings to glide through the air, attack backwards with the sword. When he'd exhausted his wings he'd rely on his flying carpet to escape. Rinse, wash, repeat. He'd done this many times, but he'd yet to win. The Wyvern always had the delivering strength to silence his foe when it came to crucial blows.It was the adrenaline that fueled Jack, and this time it was heated. Coursing through his veins. The occasional swig of a potion seemed to disrupt the pulsing urge of battle, a welcome break. Jack had consulted a villager for advice, and she'd given him a crucial secret. He felt he would need it now, it would cement his victory against the Wyvern. The long winding train charged him again and he flew over it, dropping down a platform. A wry smile erupted on his face as his feet met the soothing pleasure of honey. Hearts sprouted from a statue and dropped to his much in need body. The campfire and heart lamp merged creating a warm refreshing nuance. The Wyvern pillared through the room, nose dive style, but hardly dented the now fully healed Terrarian. Every ounce of him was revitalized, from his chest to even his Mythril Armor.
He ascended the platform and was back upon the asphalt in seconds. The Mechanic's advice had been invaluable and his battle would now be surely won. Jack saw it then, the stare, nay the brief glimmer, in the Wyvern’s eye. The indescribable expression, a new capacity of the Wyvern being revealed. As if it understood the situation with more complexity, and was afraid. Jack had seen a Wyvern die once before, when he first watched the previous champion defeat one. The Wyvern had a look of honor, and the hero had felt a sense of pride and hunter’s accomplishment. This was not that, it was a chilling fear of death that persuaded the beast to thrash violently in its deadly sweeps, harder than ever before. It was not enough, and Jack delivered the final blow terminating his great foe.
He stood over the body, silently. Feeling nothing, but everything. This was not valor of war. Suddenly the thrill of once great enemies was gone. The almost playful rivalry was more serious than ever before. The creature had died, the magnificent creature, that had fought so dignifyingly, each time giving one hell of a push and pull. He understood now, he had kille-, no not killed, not close to killed, murdered his friend. Murdered. He had not slain, he had murdered. Jack then had the same glint in his eye, and it was fear again. Fear of himself, fear that battle would never be the same, and it never would be.
Authored By: azumarill64
What’s cold, wet, and is assumed to want to stab you? The Frost Legion! These adorably squishy bundles of hate may seem like their only purpose in life is to murder your sorry butt, but have you ever thought why? Well, the answer is that these spherical stacks of snow are jealous of humanity’s uncanny knack for over the top decoration. Every Christmas, they look on in shame that their drab attire pales in comparison to humanity's glorious Christmas cheer. They can’t help but want to be just like us! One year, the Snow Squad concocted a scheme to get themselves some of that Christmas fever. They put their own patented Snow Way Tracking Globes in with all the presents to be distributed. When you give it a shake, it sends a signal to the nearest band of bloodthirsty snow-auders to come and mug yer ugly 
. Of course this usually ended with a bunch of Red H20 frozen to the ground, but once in a blue moon they won, so they were happy to lose a couple thousand snowmen. So. next time you shake that snowglobe, you know why these cuties want to stab, shoot, and/or maim you.
Authored By: Teal
Little boy Criddle, lay asleep on his bed. Swaddling and silk cradling his head. Oh but he dreamed small and large things. Candy Cane blocks n’ a little fairy bell that rings. Christmas time approached, indeed it did. Every young child peeking at presents under a lid. Boy Criddle was no exception, figures and elves danced through his mind. A picture of his Christmas Presents and the treasures he’d find. But a little boy’s imagination is a powerful thing, the very world responding to what it may sing.Yes, surely. Gingerbread men would make a fantastic addition to his army. Infact he could smell it now, the heart fragrance of gingerbread wafting through the house. Heh, presents. He'd need many of those to complete the Christmas triage. What do you get for the villagers and hero whom already have all they want? Perhaps company, yeah, that sounded good. The Christmas Trees and Presents would walk, and talk. The perfect spin on the classics. Criddle had seen nutcrackers the once, they'd be an excellent addition to the mix. Along with the usual elves, and maybe even a snowflake friend. Would he have to give his gifts gifts? Sure, they could all have bows and arrows just like Criddle had wanted last Christmas.
Did he really want to manage all these gifts? Surely the elves and nutcrackers would get into some mischief. Nay, he did not. He'd heard his father say it before “dell-gate.” He would dell-gate the leadership to some judges of his choice, his own little Christmas Present Hierarchy. An Abominable Snowman would rule over the more punitive minions, keeping them in check with brute force. Santa, and an elf of his choosing, would monitor the inner-workings of the gifts. Both from helicopter and vehicle. A mighty and fearsome overseer punishing the naughty. Lastly, a frozen queen covered in a lace of snow and a crown of ice. Her majesty would rule the strategic elements of the party, making sure all gift units are in order. The perfect recipe, for the perfect Christmas pre-
“Criddle, Criddle.” “Wake, your father’s come home.” Criddle laboriously wiped the crust from his slept in eyes. “Don't bother him now, he's been through a harsh battle and is still recovering.” Criddle sprung up, every fiber of his yellow blonde hair bouncing as he dashed to the familiar face. Together, they sat. His father told him of the battle, one in which he'd never expected, nor encountered before. He told of an Ice Queen, Yetis, Present Shaped Mimics, and Gingerbread armies. The boy was reminded, he’d Deja Vu, as if he could remember a similar army, almost in a dream.
Authored By: Kazzymodus
North of an old mythril mineLies a town in a forest of pine
The bread there is sweet
And so is the mead
But litter, and you'll get a fine.
On the edge lived a girl with much charm.
In a farmhouse, cozy and warm.
She went out with cold feet
To get wood for some heat
The sweet little girl from the farm.
As she ventured through the thick snow.
With her footsteps crunching below.
She dragged her big axe
Followed the train tracks
And generally walked painfully slow.
As the wind howled around her hood
And she continued her arduous route.
In the shrubs to her right
Two eyes fixed their sight
Twas a wolf, that was looking for food.
Its prey unaware of the beast.
It prepared to pounce on its feast.
When a branch, long and straight
Broke under its weight
And a loud crack drowned out the breeze
The girl turned quick as a flash
As the wolf attacked with a dash
It slashed with its paw
And drew blood with one claw
As the girl's cheek received a large gash
Yet she had no desire to die.
And let out a fierce battle cry.
Her motions were swift.
Her axe she did lift.
And stuck it right in the wolf's eye.
The poor beast recoiled with pain.
It's eye had been cleft clean in twain.
As it stumbled back.
It fell right on the track.
And got hit by an oncoming train.
The girl carefully lowered her arm
And as she realised she was now safe from harm.
She wiped off the gore
And continued her chore.
That sweet little girl from the farm.
Authored By: Alabaster
The air was thick and dark around Cole as he stumbled through the snow dusted boreal pines. Snow cloaked him like a freezing blanket, making him feel numb and almost fluffy in its frigid grasp. He was gasping and choking but there was no thug, he was brazen with dread but there was no foe. At least not to be seen. For all his sake, an opponent might actually warm him up with adrenaline. All that was left for Cole was his hunting prize - a prime ramskull, replete with conch-like horns and the stratified bone of its alabaster cranium. It was a little bloody, but then so was he - this was his emblem, his mark of existence. But - this would be all he would leave? A skull and an iced carcass that would never even be seen by a soul in this freezing Underworld. What a waste. The words echoed in Cole’s ears, until he realised they were not his own.Clutching onto his skull with all his might, Cole was sapped of his last strength - no more than a baby, ripped of all pride and dignity. If this was his last night alive, it would be nice if he didn’t end up staying in this risen Underworld. A voice preeminently answered him, reverberating, yet avuncular in nature. It beckoned: Take your skull and take to me.
Cole answered.
SUBSCRIPTION SHORTLIST
@XenoCat
@king40606
@Dire Sigma
@timothy the engineer
@( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Lenny
@azumarill64
@Ev1l0rd
@Flor3nce2456
@Treesmasher
*To get added to this list just ask for a subscription. You'll get a tag for large news & updates, and new editions!
@Flor3nce2456 -- apparently you uploaded your images in the convo as people have difficulty seeing your banners. Could you fix that so people can see their magnificence?
Oh dear. Can you PM me about it so I can insert it where it's missing?
Thanks.
It was rumored that somewhere was a team. A unified group of adventures who knew only a creed of curiosity, the desire to thread the twine of Terraria's history. To unravel even the most intricate tapestry. A creed of penmanship, and intellect. A writer's creed. We are the that team. We are Terraria Absolutus. This is the history of Terraria, our history. -Terraria Absolutus
|Update|
Along with the news about Teal failing to use marketing and causing half the nation to simultaneously facewall, we've got some fantastic new additions to the team!
A diligent and clever writer, Sodapone should make an excellent addition to our cast of crew members. I've enlisted the help of the Sodapone before, and am elated, and content, with my decision to have done so again. We welcome him to the team! Hopefully he doesn't offend anyone with his infamous and judicious use of "God damnit."
We welcome a more royal bloodline to the Absolutus with king4060606060(I can't remember how many numbers are at the end so I'm just covering bases). His expert command of figurative language and detail make him yet another flawless recruit. We welcome him to the team!
Hello, TCF-ites across the nation! I have come out of my resignation briefly to bring to you a quick segment. Also, to be noted, I plan to return to this project as my technology is indeed back. I have found a new vision for this project and I plan to take my writers with me. Yay. Space parrots! Wait? What? Nevermind that, let's dig in to some BALLS of TCF satirical news.
Artistic Credits: Anythin - @DerpoTheMagnificent -
The Bureaucratic Academic Lamprophonic Literary Statement of TCF
The B.A.L.L.S. of TCF is a series of columns written by the peers of the B.A.L.L.S. of TCF group. This edition will be the third installation authored by the peers, please enjoy.
Dr. Awolph Fin-In what reporters are calling the "Great Awakening" a surge of activity is happening in the new profile post section. Bystanders, however, are calling it the worst thing to ever happen to TCF besides the neko trend. One unfortunate witness suffered catastrophic braindamage from the insanity. He is now voting for Trump, luckily, they're going to unplug him before that happens. "You see, the Great Awakening is a really interesting from a cultural perspective as aspects of all the forums come out to play. We've got the lewders, the salty, and now even some of the edge. But what makes this event truly unique is that they are all joined together for a common goal. They are crossing ethnic lines to do one thing: post meaningless messages on King40606's profile about ships." Says Proffesor NekoChan of Hax University. Another scientist we consulted on the matter simply had to say: "Aliens." He later retracted the saying and added "I'm not saying it's aliens. But it's aliens."
The Great Awakening has, as its title suggests, awoken(more like aWolfen wink wi-*Shot*) a great and ancient mystic. This mystic you ask? PrivateIvy. We sit down with Priva the acclaimed student under Master Teal in this exclusive interview. "Now, Ivy, if I may call-"
"
you, no you can't call me that.""Priva then."
"It's PrivateIvy to you."
"Alright, do you want someone else to interview y-"
"Shut the
up and sit, I said sit. Just keep making a deeper butt imprint on your little toddler bean bag.""I-uh, I have a set of questi-"
"Holy
. I have seen tictacs with a larger mental capacity than your entire bloodline. Of course you have questions, just ask them. Or I'll ask them for you.""I'm done."
"First question, did you loose your virginity to an inflatable balloon named Made in China? Huh, that's right, you leave, you leave!" As you can see in the interview Priva has learned much about the ancient art of salt and has expertly used it to cause one of our senior staff to quit. Reportedly she had a stand off with her mentor Teal where he publicly disowned her and fed her corpse to a hamster. Luckily, she was able to be resurrected with some of Morton's Fine Grade Sea Salt. Unfortunately for Morton, he no longer has any salt at all.
The event is the apparent result of a user Deva, the relevance of this character is unknown, the file we found on this subject simply said "lewd." However, it did mention something about ships/shipping. So apparently he works in the Shipping & Receiving yard? When we asked an alledged associate of Deva if this was true he simply had to say: "Oh yeah, he does ship. But he does a lot of receiving]."
To conclude we discuss Krasunir, professional nightstand. Krasunir has been a member of relative silence until recent light where he has become to subject of much pairing and scandal. The Queensunir40406 v Krasunumbers ship fight was one of the most climatic clashes of the season. Here are Krasunir The Sours fully elaborated in-depth comments:
"XenoCat."
Wow, how insightful. Thanks for joining us, see you next time on the next entry of The B.A.L.L.S. Of TCF.
@Krasunir
@Priva
@king40606
@XenoCat
@zeskorion
@Apophis
This subscription list is screwed up because I did a chop shop formatting thing. Sorry.
@XenoCat ,
@king40606 ,
@Omega Neos ,
@Dire Sigma ,
@timothy the engineer ,
@( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Lenny ,
@Tsuki ,
@ppowersteef ,
@Omega Neos ,
@Ev1l0rd ,
@Treesmasher ,
@aWolfen
Last edited:
Context: This is a comedic newspaper that parodies the going ons on TCF. You wouldn't know that unless you read the rest of TA, but it's fine. Just go with it.
XenoCat
Steampunker
No I meant.
It's just... random.
It's intended to be.
Bluegreen
Skeletron Prime
and it's also
ing incredible
XenoCat
Steampunker
The key part of understanding it is reading it.
Timothy the Engineer
Steampunker
these are the best stories I've ever read.
Thanks. Makes me happy.
excession
The Destroyer
Hello, TCF-ites across the nation! I have come out of my resignation briefly to bring to you a quick segment. Also, to be noted, I plan to return to this project as my technology is indeed back. I have found a new vision for this project and I plan to take my writers with me. Yay. Space parrots! Wait? What? Nevermind that, let's dig in to some BALLS of TCF satirical news.
Artistic Credits: Anythin - @DerpoTheMagnificent -
The Bureaucratic Academic Lamprophonic Literary Statement of TCF
The B.A.L.L.S. of TCF is a series of columns written by the peers of the B.A.L.L.S. of TCF group. This edition will be the third installation authored by the peers, please enjoy.
Dr. Awolph Fin-In what reporters are calling the "Great Awakening" a surge of activity is happening in the new profile post section. Bystanders, however, are calling it the worst thing to ever happen to TCF besides the neko trend. One unfortunate witness suffered catastrophic braindamage from the insanity. He is now voting for Trump, luckily, they're going to unplug him before that happens. "You see, the Great Awakening is a really interesting from a cultural perspective as aspects of all the forums come out to play. We've got the lewders, the salty, and now even some of the edge. But what makes this event truly unique is that they are all joined together for a common goal. They are crossing ethnic lines to do one thing: post meaningless messages on King40606's profile about ships." Says Proffesor NekoChan of Hax University. Another scientist we consulted on the matter simply had to say: "Aliens." He later retracted the saying and added "I'm not saying it's aliens. But it's aliens."
The Great Awakening has, as its title suggests, awoken(more like aWolfen wink wi-*Shot*) a great and ancient mystic. This mystic you ask? PrivateIvy. We sit down with Priva the acclaimed student under Master Teal in this exclusive interview. "Now, Ivy, if I may call-"
"
"Priva then."
"It's PrivateIvy to you."
"Alright, do you want someone else to interview y-"
"Shut the
"I-uh, I have a set of questi-"
"Holy
"I'm done."
"First question, did you loose your virginity to an inflatable balloon named Made in China? Huh, that's right, you leave, you leave!" As you can see in the interview Priva has learned much about the ancient art of salt and has expertly used it to cause one of our senior staff to quit. Reportedly she had a stand off with her mentor Teal where he publicly disowned her and fed her corpse to a hamster. Luckily, she was able to be resurrected with some of Morton's Fine Grade Sea Salt. Unfortunately for Morton, he no longer has any salt at all.
The event is the apparent result of a user Deva, the relevance of this character is unknown, the file we found on this subject simply said "lewd." However, it did mention something about ships/shipping. So apparently he works in the Shipping & Receiving yard? When we asked an alledged associate of Deva if this was true he simply had to say: "Oh yeah, he does ship. But he does a lot of receiving]."
To conclude we discuss Krasunir, professional nightstand. Krasunir has been a member of relative silence until recent light where he has become to subject of much pairing and scandal. The Queensunir40406 v Krasunumbers ship fight was one of the most climatic clashes of the season. Here are Krasunir The Sours fully elaborated in-depth comments:
"XenoCat."
Wow, how insightful. Thanks for joining us, see you next time on the next entry of The B.A.L.L.S. Of TCF.
Here's a few special tags:
@Krasunir
@Priva
@king40606
@XenoCat
@zeskorion
@Apophis
This subscription list is screwed up because I did a chop shop formatting thing. Sorry.
@XenoCat ,
@king40606 ,
@Omega Neos ,
@Dire Sigma ,
@timothy the engineer ,
@( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Lenny ,
@Tsuki ,
@ppowersteef ,
@Omega Neos ,
@Ev1l0rd ,
@Treesmasher ,
@aWolfen
It's things like this that make me consider jumping back into forum life.
So..... basically....... Congratz on some hilarious stuff Teal
